Introduction
Well, good morning, everyone. We’re continuing in our Ephesians series and today, we arrive at a section for married couples, which is really counter-cultural, as we’ll see.
If you have a Bible, please turn with me to Ephesians 5.21.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church – for we are members of his body. 'For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Prayer…
I can think of two reasons why some people might not warm to a sermon on this passage of scripture.
Firstly, since these verses are addressed to wives and husbands, some might feel that it’s irrelevant, because they are not married. It doesn’t really affect them.
Secondly, others might dismiss it as obsolete. It says that wives should submit to their husbands and that husbands are the heads of their wives. “Isn't this outdated?” we might ask. After all, we live in the 21st Century Western world, where most married couples consider themselves equal partners with virtually interchangeable roles.
But there are three reasons why we should - and indeed must - engage with this passage.
Firstly, in response to those who say this isn’t relevant to them, God wants all of us to know all his thoughts about all human relationships, and my current circumstances are beside the point. I have never robbed a bank, and I’m sure I never will. Does that mean I should skip reading what the Bible says about theft?
Secondly, in response to those who dismiss this as out of date, this is the Bible - and is therefore God’s word.
We have no liberty to ignore any biblical passage just because some consider it offensive, unfashionable, misguided, controversial, or politically incorrect.
The third reason we should connect with this passage is because there is so much marital brokenness in our society. About 40% of marriages in the UK end in the divorce courts. All the more reason to understand and embrace God’s blueprint for married life; a model, incidentally, that has stood the test of time.
The pattern for all Christian relationships
Before we look at the submission God calls for from wives to their husbands, we should note that v21 stresses submission to one another in all Christian relationships.
There are no exceptions. Paul, an apostle with great authority, didn’t have maids and butlers and doormen, bowing and scraping around him. Instead, he submitted himself to serve the churches he planted and he said he worked harder than anyone else.
Even Jesus, the King of kings, didn’t strut around arrogantly and expect to be waited on, but submitted himself to wash dirty feet and go to his death on the cross for us.
The New Testament urges Christian citizens to submit to the earthly governing authorities, It calls church members to submit to their leaders. It teaches children to honour their parents and exhorts workers to labour for their bosses, as for the Lord.
Yet still the word “submission” jars for many of us, because our society lays such emphasis on asserting our rights. But notice, submission here is not about inferiority or weakness, it’s about reverence. This is a way of showing honour to God.
Like Jesus, we are to value others above ourselves. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ…”
Wives
But then, Paul applies this general stance of mutual submission in a particular way for a wife vis-a-vis her husband.
“Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” (v22). “As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (v24)…
I’m not, and never will be, a woman, single or married. So, I thought I would invite three married women to share from their own experience how this biblical instruction works out in their lives.
So Kathie, Sally and Sara, would you like to come forward, please. And as they make their way to the stage, I want to assure you that I have not pushed any editorial line on this. I haven’t told them what I think. I haven’t given them anything to read. But I see godliness and a love for scripture in all four, so I’m confident what they share will be really helpful…
Kathie: “I'm very grateful to God for my husband who takes the Bible more seriously than any other written word, and he strives to live by God's teaching. And I think that John, as a Christian husband, gets a more difficult task to live by, and that is to love me, his wife, as Christ loves the church. I'm not very lovable at times, but John continues to love me.
Submission doesn't mean being walked over. If there are decisions to be made, we discuss them and pray about them together. When they are big decisions and we struggle to be of the same mind, I leave the final word to John, and I will back him in it, as he's the one who takes responsibility in God's sight.
Sometimes, the final decision is the one that I prefer, and sometimes it's John's preference. But we have different gifts and we're both aware of each other's, so often the decision is made based on which other person has more knowledge about that subject. I trust John to make the decision because he loves me and wants the best for our couple and our family, so I'm happy to submit to him in that.”
Sally: “So, as many of you know, Phil and I have now been married for 50 years, and we've always endeavoured to keep Jesus at the centre of our relationship by submitting primarily to him. Jesus laid down his life for us, and therefore, we've always tried to lay down our lives for one another by loving, respecting, and serving each other, all of which we found key in our relationship.
For those of you who watch Strictly Come Dancing, you will have seen that even though both dancers are equally skillful and totally in sync with each other, one of them, usually the man, will always guide the woman around the dance floor.
And likewise, I've always trusted Phil's guidance and wisdom in our marriage, which actually brings me great security, even though he's definitely not a ballroom dancer! So I would say that submission is definitely not one side of control, but a God-centered relationship where both of us seek to love, serve, and respect each other.”
Sara: “I'm Sarah. I'm married to Joe, and we've been married for 10 years, and we've got two children.
And in my marriage, I have seen that submission is a choice on my behalf and not control on Joe's behalf. I decide to honour Joe's leadership in the home. We always talk about everything together that impacts our family, and Joe values my opinion.
But like Kathie said, sometimes our opinions differ. And in these cases, I've learned to trust Joe to make the final call to lead our family. I can follow his lead because I know he follows God's lead.
I know that he loves me and only wants the best for us, just like Christ loves the church and only wants the best for the church. I see his relationship with God and know his heart. He respects me and I honour him. He honours God and God blesses us. There's a trust between Joe and me that we have each other's backs, and I believe God speaks through Joe to guide our family. I believe God created this walk of love that empowers us to lead a beautiful marriage.”
Thank you all…
Well, what mental picture did Paul have in mind when he wrote about a wife submitting to her husband?
Looking ahead to what he says to children in 6v1, “Children obey your parents,” and in 6v5 what he says to slaves, “Slaves obey your earthly masters,” it is striking that, in contrast, at no point does he see the word “obey” as appropriate for a wife in respect of her husband.
He could do. He could say, “Wives obey your husbands.” But he doesn’t because submission is not an underling or subordinate kind of word.
Katia Adams, in her book Equal, takes issue with any understanding of these verses that involves wives and husbands assuming different roles. She complains that male and female roles in marriage always means hierarchy.
I disagree. Hierarchy is when party is superior and the other is inferior. Paul is not giving us a pecking order here; he is not saying one is better than, or more worthy than, or more important, than another. It’s not about status.
In ice skating pairs, two skaters (one male, one female) dance in unison to music, but the woman doesn’t hold the man in overhead lifts, or throw and catch him, and the man doesn’t wear a sequin dress or spin around his partner as she holds him.
Both bring tremendous technical precision and intelligence and skill to the performance. The woman enhances the routine with her feminine gracefulness and the man adds something quite different with his masculine strength. The result is an artistic spectacle that is more than a sum of its parts.
In the same way, Paul is saying here that God created and mandated marriage as a harmonious, complementary partnership.
Like an ice skating pair; graceful beauty and physical strength. Honouring, supportive submission and, as we’ll see shortly, protective, sacrificial love. Two equal partners, with unique qualities and responsibilities.
I have heard it said that men are generally most fulfilled in marriage when their wives admire them and feel proud of them, while women are most fulfilled in marriage when their husbands love them and are attentive to them.
Josh Squires insightfully relates that to the tragedy of infidelity. His research led him to make the following observation: “Contrary to what movies and songs often lead us to believe, only around ten percent of those that cheated did so with someone they considered more attractive than their spouse. Men and women who have an affair often do so because of emotional needs rather than physical ones. For men, it is usually the need to feel appreciated, respected, and valued that leads to an affair; whereas for women, it’s the drive to feel heard, loved, and cherished.”
Michigan-based pastor Kevin DeYoung says, “The Bible often associates the pursuit of beauty with womanhood and the pursuit of strength with manhood... God directs women to embrace the true beauty of godly character, and he directs men to embrace the true strength of noble courage and self-sacrifice.”
Verse 33 suggests that the sense of the word ‘submit’ is much more about respect than subservience or ‘just having to do as you're told.’
The word ‘respect’ carries no sense of inferiority. Submission means praying for and encouraging the one God has called to headship, and having an inclination to be a suitable helper and constant support, and a disinclination to undermine or be argumentative.
Of course, no couple will agree on everything. But to submit is to delight in godly initiative, to esteem, to have a disposition to show honour.
I need to say too that submission, in particular that of a wife to her husband, can never be absolute. Christ alone deserves unqualified allegiance, whether we are male or female, single or married.
So, though we are instructed in the Bible to submit to earthly authority, in Acts 5 when they told the apostles to stop speaking about Jesus, Peter said, “No, we must obey God rather than human beings.”
Paul says, “submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” So a wife who is being led by her husband into sin and disobedience to God must, with all due respect, firmly say no.
So when Paul says, “wives should submit to their husbands in everything” he doesn’t mean “follow them meekly into evil and wickedness and rebellion against God.”
He means, “wives, incline yourselves to respect your husbands as part of your devotion to Christ, and not only when you feel like it.”
Husbands
Well, what about husbands?
Orthodox Jewish men in Paul’s day, typically regarded women with condescension, even contempt. Women were not seen as people so much as property, a social convention that Jesus totally ignored.
Every day, a Pharisee would thank God that he had not been born a Gentile, a slave, or a woman. No wonder Jesus was always clashing with the Pharisees and warned people about them.
In a place like Ephesus which was substantially Gentile in makeup, marriage as an exclusive, loving and permanent partnership between one man and one woman was unheard of.
The Greco-Roman world was institutionally adulterous. Married men expected their wives to run the home and raise their legitimate children, while they openly and shamelessly played the field with a string of mistresses. No one was shocked, least of all their wives at home. It came with the territory.
This, then, is the background into which Paul penned these words.
Well, if wives have the sometimes challenging calling of submitting to their very imperfect husbands, for husbands it’s mission impossible - loving their wives “just as Christ loved the Church” sets the bar as high as it can go.
Twice Paul calls for wives to submit to their husbands, but three times he tells husbands to love their wives.
The novelist Marie Corelli said, “I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home that serve the same purpose as a husband. The dog growls every morning, the parrot swears all afternoon and the cat comes home late every night!”
I sometimes wonder if some women object to the idea of submission because they have never seen any husband love his wife like the Lord loves us…
And if every wife was married to a godly, attentive, loving man, willing to suffer for her, ready to lay down his life for her, would she find submission so problematic?
Baptist pastor John Piper put it this way; “I have never met a woman who chafes under Christlike leadership. But I know of too many wives who are unhappy, because their husbands have abdicated their God-ordained leadership and have no moral vision, no spiritual conception of what a family is for and therefore no desire to lead anyone anywhere.”
It’s why, husbands, God gives headship in marriage to you, to take the weight of spiritual initiative and responsibility. This is why, when Eve was deceived to take the forbidden fruit, God held Adam accountable. Had he taken his headship role seriously, he would have protected his wife and told the serpent to get lost. But instead he was spineless and passive.
A few years ago, Kathie and I went to the Titanic Museum in Belfast. The last thing you see before the gift shop and exit door is a huge wall with every name of everyone who perished in that disaster printed on it. It helps you see the scale of the tragedy.
When the Titanic sank, 20% of the men on board were saved. For the women, it was 74%. Of the 1,500 fatalities, 1,350 were men. Many men drowned in the frozen sea, having first ensured the women made it into the lifeboats. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.”
How did Christ love the church? He poured out his earthly life teaching, healing and caring for his church. He didn’t flinch to go and face his enemies on behalf of his church. He agonised in prayer all night to preserve his church. He endured hell’s fury and the wrath of God against sin on the cross to save his church.
Husbands and future husbands - that’s the model of servant leadership God calls you to. Loving your bride, and relentlessly laying down your life for her, like Christ did for us, that’s the standard. Love your wives like that.
Leave, unite, become one
In v31 Paul points back to Genesis 2.24, a verse Jesus quoted when he was questioned about the permanence of marriage. “A man will leave his father and mother, be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
In 21 simple words, this verse simultaneously rules out polygamy, polyandry, incest, unmarried cohabitation, so-called open marriage and so-called same-sex marriage.
But more than that telling us what marriage isn’t, it tells us what it is.
Firstly, leave your father and mother. Some couples never cut the emotional umbilical cord with their parents.
Sometimes it’s because husband and wife default to mum or dad for affirmation and affection instead of each other. Other times it’s because well-meaning in-laws interfere and the new couple don’t set boundaries. God says, “You’ve got to leave your father and mother.”
Secondly, be united to one another. Some couples struggle to bond at a soul level with one another. They never communicate deeply or resolve conflicts healthily. They live at an emotional and romantic distance and drift apart. God says, “You’ve got to become united to one another.”
The Greek word translated “be united to” (in the King James Bible the word is “cleave”) means to be joined together. God’s purpose for marriage is like two pages being stuck together with glue. And when you tear them apart you don’t tear the glue, you tear the paper.
Thirdly, become one flesh. Two incompatible individuals become one, no longer dependent on parents, but bonded together as soul mates, and enjoying intimacy as man and wife.
Ending
So, what does it mean in v32 when it says, “this is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church”?
It seems Paul goes right back to the first book of the Bible and this foundational verse on marriage, and says, “I can see Jesus here.”
Should that surprise us? Jesus said, “the Old Testament scriptures testify about me.” The whole Bible is about Jesus.
But “it’s a mystery,” says Paul. There’s a hidden meaning in here. There’s a deeper spiritual significance if you have eyes to see it. “This is really about Christ,” he says.
And when you look carefully, there he is, in sharp focus; a son who leaves his Father’s home in heaven to come all the way here to this earth to seek a bride.
He sees us and loves us like a bridegroom sees and loves his radiant bride as she walks up the aisle, resplendent, on her wedding day.
Let’s gladly submit our lives to him - as the bride he loves, and clings to, and protects, and cares for, and laid down his life for, and has solemnly promised to never leave or forsake.
Oh, what a delight to belong to Christ and to know for all eternity that his banner over us is love.
Let’s stand to pray…
Sermon preached at King's Church Darlington, 3 May 2026.
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