Photo by Engin Akyurt on Unsplash
Introduction
We’ve been working our way through the Gospel of Matthew for about 15 months now, and today is the day we arrive at chapter 19. This is what it says:
When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went down to the region of Judea east of the Jordan River. Large crowds followed him there, and he healed their sick.
Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’”
And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
“Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked.
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.” Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”
“Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”
I’d be interested to know how many of you have ever heard a sermon on this passage before.
One of the challenges of preaching through the Bible systematically is that you have to handle passages you might otherwise be tempted to avoid. You cannot just stick to the parts of the Bible that you know people will like.
I suspect that many church leaders steer clear of passages like today’s because they fear upsetting people and losing them. I’m sure some have visions of people getting up and walking out, never to return, before they get to the end of their first point. They find that thought quite daunting, understandably.
Preachers know that among their listeners some will remember their parents’ divorce when they were children, and being reminded of that painful experience will trigger powerful, negative emotions.
They know that others will themselves be divorced. They know that this will be hard to listen to for them.
They know that some will be remarried after divorce, and that these people might find Jesus’ words about such an action amounting to adultery (except in the case of unfaithfulness) too much to take, perhaps feeling judged and condemned.
They know as well that others will be unhappily married, and the words, “let no one split apart what God has joined together” will feel like a life-sentence to them.
Then they know that some will be single, or widowed, and perhaps weary of the emphasis in their church on couples and families, as if single people were unvalued or invisible.
They also know that some might be cohabiting unmarried, or that their grown-up children are, and so Jesus speaking of a man being joined to his wife, not his girlfriend, might be badly received.
Finally, they might guess - or might have learned - that still others listening to them are coming to terms with same-sex attraction, so marriage here defined by Jesus as a God-ordained covenant exclusively for two members of the opposite sex shuts the door firmly in the face of so-called same-sex marriage. There is no category for this in scripture, and in wider society that is increasingly seen as scandalous.
So let me just put it out there right away; I get it. This message could conceivably offend pretty well everybody!
I know that there are deeply personal and complex pastoral questions that this passage raises. I cannot possibly say everything in the finely nuanced way I would want to, covering each and every situation in life, in the short time I have available.
So I need to start by managing expectations. This is not going to be an exhaustive survey of everything the Bible has to say on the subject of marriage, or divorce, or remarriage.
My brief is to preach on these 12 verses, to explore their meaning, and call you to respond gladly, in faith, to embrace the timeless truth and eternal wisdom of God’s infallible word, however convenient or inconvenient to our personal circumstances we find that to be.
So, all that said, before I go any further, let me pray…
Background
Such is the explosive nature of what Jesus says here, I would be surprised if anyone noticed that the passage actually begins with the observation in v2 that Jesus healed the sick among the multitudes that surrounded him.
People are flocking to him and, as usual, the lame walk, the blind see, the deaf hear, those with leprosy are cleansed, and those weighed down by the oppression of demonic affliction are delivered.
Hold that thought and savour it; the atmosphere in which Jesus says these uncompromising words is one of grace, and blessing, and release from pain and infirmity.
The framework into which Jesus places this teaching on marriage and divorce is one of wanting to alleviate misery, not inflict it.
The geographical setting in which Matthew locates this encounter may also have escaped your notice, not to mention its recent history and political significance.
Jesus is now, v1, on his way to Jerusalem from Galilee, and it’s the last time he will ever make this journey. We are a few short weeks away from the agonies he will endure for us on the cross.
And the usual route from Galilee in the north to the capital in the south is down the Jordan valley; you can see the river on the map, running from the Sea of Galilee down to the Dead Sea. Jesus is, Matthew says, east of the river. I’ve marked the approximate location with an x on the map.
The last time we were here in Matthew’s Gospel was back in June when, you may remember, John the Baptist met his untimely death by beheading. You remember creepy Herod’s party, the erotic dance that greatly pleased him, and the request for John’s head on a platter?
Jesus is now in the neighbourhood of Herod’s fortress, where all that happened.
Why was John killed? He was killed because Herod broke up his little brother’s marriage to steal his young, pretty sister-in-law, with whom he had been having an affair, and then he ditched his own wife. And John openly denounced him.
It wasn’t right before God, he said, and it amounted to adultery. And, you’ll remember, Herod’s new trophy wife Herodias resented this and orchestrated John’s execution because of it.
You can read the whole sordid story in chapter 14 if you missed it. All this to say that this apparently random question from the Pharisees about divorce and remarriage is not incidental - or innocent. They raise it maliciously and sinfully.
Verse 3 specifically says that they ask it “to trap him.” Jesus’ close association with John the Baptist was well-known and Mark 3.6 tells us that, from early days, the Pharisees were plotting with the Herodians to kill Jesus.
This is an evil conspiracy to discredit Jesus in order to have him arrested and killed, as John had been. It’s a set up.
Marriage as God intended
Here’s their question, v3; “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” Everyone straightaway is thinking about Herod.
But Jesus, as usual, doesn’t answer their hostile enquiry in a way that allows them to say, “Gotcha!” As so often, he replies with another question that displays his deeper insight and superior wisdom.
Tellingly, and instructively for us, Jesus’ interest is not, “what does society say?” or “what do the celebrities say?” Or “what do the influencers and commentators say?” Jesus asks, “what does the Bible say?”
This is always the first and best question to ask. What does God say about this?
“Haven’t you read the Scriptures? They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
Jesus focuses their thoughts on God’s purposes for joining men and women together, not on man's pretexts for tearing them apart. What are the maker’s instructions?
“In the beginning God made human beings male and female,” he says in v4.
We are created equal - yes - men and women are both created in God’s image and likeness.
But equal and alike does not mean identical or interchangeable. We are genetically unalike in every cell of our bodies and that leads to profound, beautiful and complimentary differences in our God-given identities.
And being created male and female leads to three steps with respect to marriage.
First, says Jesus, pointing back to Genesis, that a couple must leave their parents, v5.
Usually that will mean setting up a new home together. For various reasons, that may not be feasible at first, but it should be the objective, and in any case, husband and wife must establish their independence and set boundaries.
The most important human bond for husband and wife is to each other. There should no longer be a dependence emotionally (and if possible financially) to parents. And while parents and in-laws can be hugely supportive to their married children, meddling -however well-meaning- should be courteously but firmly resisted.
Second step, Jesus says, the couple must be joined to each other.
The word he uses, proskollēo, is the verb form of adhesive. It means ‘to adhere’ and it’s how you would describe glueing two sheets of paper together.
It takes time for glue to stick. And if you try and separate the two pieces of paper after the glue has set, you don’t tear the glue; you tear the paper.
How do husband and wife become joined together?
When I conduct weddings, I often use this ornate little box as an illustration. Many people, you see, get married believing a myth that marriage is like a beautiful box full of all the things they have always longed for; intimacy, security, friendship, romance, happiness...
But the truth is that in every marriage, at the start, the box is always empty; there’s nothing in it. You have to put something in before you can take anything out.
There is no love in marriage. Love is in people, and people put love into their marriages. There is no romance in marriage either; you have to put that in too. Every couple has to keep replenishing the box. This is how husband and wife become joined to each other.
It’s the same for intimacy, security, friendship, happiness... And if you consistently take out more than you put in, before long the box will be empty, and married life will start to feel draining and heavy.
So it’s vital that couples keep sticking together practically, spiritually, emotionally, financially and of course - step 3 - physically. Sexually.
Third step, Jesus says the two become united into one. Literally, they become one flesh.
In God’s grand design, husband and wife take delight in one another and enjoy sexual intimacy together. This is marriage as God intended.
So marriage is not just some sort of pragmatic social construct that governments have devised; it’s not ours to remodel or redefine or redesign. It’s God's.
Jesus says in v6, “let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Those of you who are married, God led you to your spouse and God joined you together on your wedding day. Marriage is God’s idea, it’s God’s initiative, it’s God’s wise provision for stability in society, for satisfaction for couples, and for security for children.
Every married couple here today needs to be reminded of God’s perspective on their marriage. Because every married couple here lives in a culture that relentlessly undermines and attacks their union. And every married couple here is at risk of a hardening of the heart.
Concessions for hard hearts
The Pharisees can see that siding with Herod now before this listening crowd is to defend the indefensible. So they try another tack. What about Deuteronomy 24 then? There, the Bible does make an allowance for divorce in some circumstances.
There was a hot debate at the time of Jesus between two rabbinical schools of thought about what constituted permissible grounds for divorce. Some said, for adultery only and others said, anything goes. You can guess which rabbis had the biggest congregations.
The Pharisees’ intent was to promote a permissive divorce society, and they saw Deuteronomy 24.1-3 as a license to dissolve marriages for any frivolous reason. They wanted throwaway wives, and the more disposable, the better.
Moses, in Deuteronomy, had reluctantly made legislation to limit the worst excesses of his quickie divorce culture, because men were divorcing their wives on account of the most trifling disagreements.
“Indeed,” says Michael Green, “a man could do so while drunk! To have to write a bill of divorce at least meant he had to wait until he was sober.”
This is what it is like in Jesus’ day; abandoned wives who are homeless and penniless. And Jesus calls it out for what it is. Moses’ permission to divorce in exceptional circumstances, he says, was an accommodation of your hardness of heart.
And Jesus’ use of the pronoun “your” here is directed against the Pharisees whose own hardness of heart is demonstrated by their sly and insincere line of questioning.
In v9, Jesus does not command divorce, but he allows it in the case of unfaithfulness, for the one sinned against, because of the violence adultery does to the marriage covenant, and to the need for trust between husband and wife.
Remember, Jesus is not giving a systematic and exhaustive overview here; he is speaking into a particular context, dominated by scandal of the king's recent divorce and remarriage, which is on everyone’s mind. Herod’s first wife, would be free to remarry, but Herod and Herodias’ marriage is no different, Jesus says, to an adulterous affair.
1 Corinthians 7 gives another exception; when a non-believer deserts a believer. The believer is not bound in such circumstances.
And look, I know from years of pastoral ministry that these situations are rarely simple and clear-cut. What about insanity? What about coercive behaviour? What about abuse? What about long-term imprisonment?
Probably some of you are thinking to yourselves, “this is all very well, but my situation is different.” In marriage breakdown, things are invariably thorny and complex. When a marriage fails, usually, there is crushing heartbreak akin to bereavement. And obviously, as I said earlier, I cannot possibly address every nuance of every saga of marriage breakdown in one sermon.
Our elders here are called to be shepherds and we are available to talk if you want to. We have a pastoral care team too, and where we cannot help, we can sometimes signpost you to specialists who can.
I think I do need to say though that Jesus’ teaching for his followers is some distance away from the modern concepts of irreconcilable differences and incompatibility.
Jesus, as usual, challenges our easy-going culture of impermanent commitments and casual promise-breaking. 45% of marriages break down in the UK today. The divorce rate was high in Jesus’ day too and what he says here will have provoked a sharp intake of breath for his original hearers.
The proof of that is v10 where the shocked disciples respond, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”
Staying single
And Jesus replies to them (all men) by listing several kinds of men who would not have been able to marry. Those born with physical abnormalities or those harmed in such a way as to make it impossible to consummate a marriage and become one flesh. And those who choose singleness in order to be more available for serving God.
Some scholars think that, since it was highly unusual for a man of Jesus’ age in his culture to be single, the word “eunuch” here may well have been a common insult to unmarried thirtysomethings.
Jesus lived with that, and in v12 counts himself as one who has voluntarily remained single for the sake of his mission. Not everyone is called to married life. Not everyone is called to singleness.
Some singles find their calling hard and long to be married. I once heard of one Christian man, a good man, who proposed four times to four different women and was refused each time. There are many more Christian women than men who aspire to meet a godly future spouse.
If that’s you, your earnest prayer, for years, may have been peppered with the word “why?” Sometimes I am asked that very question. Why?
I don’t know why. I grieve with you for your sense of bewilderment. And I appeal to you; don’t lose hope and don’t stop bringing this before God in prayer.
And don’t let what you don’t know erase what you do know about God’s goodness, his love for you and his grace which is sufficient for every need, every day.
Ending
Well, as I said near the beginning, this will not have been a comfortable listen for some of us here.
But, at King’s, we believe the Bible is God’s word. We hold that the gospel is true and life-giving. We confess that Jesus, not our God-resisting culture, is Lord. The Bible teaches that marriage reflects who God is. It shows how he is.
It beautifully illustrates God’s disposition towards us all, wanting to establish union and life together with us. God is never going to say, “I’m done with Christians. I don’t feel fulfilled by them anymore. My love for them has died. I think maybe I’ll go and be God to the Jehovah’s Witnesses or the Mormons instead.”
Numbers 23.19 says, “God is not a man, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind.” And since he is a God who never, ever breaks any covenant that he makes, his intention is that our marriages should point decisively and compellingly to his unwavering commitment to us.
God give us all grace to honour him in whatever state we find ourselves in.
Finally, as I end, for anyone who feels ashamed, or judged, or dirty, or condemned, that you’re a failure, that you’ve blown it, that God doesn’t love you, that there’s no future, and no hope…
There is no hardness in the human heart against God which is so hard that God himself cannot soften it and save the hardest sinner.
If you don’t quite believe that, close your eyes and let me lead you to the temple courts in Jerusalem. It’s autumn in 30 AD. It’s early in the morning, during the Feast of Tabernacles, but there’s already a lot of people about.
There’s a sudden commotion and, out of nowhere, a woman is dragged, her hair hanging down, half-dressed, by the Pharisees (yes, them again) in their flowing robes right into the middle of a gathered crowd of men. “Teacher,” they say, looking at Jesus. “This woman was caught in the very act of adultery.” I bet they loved that.
(‘Adultery’ by the way, is exactly the same word, in the original, that Jesus uses in our passage this morning, talking about remarriage after divorce). Again, as in this morning’s passage, the Pharisees appeal to the law. “Moses says to stone her. To death. What do you say?” As in this morning’s passage, it says that they say this to trap him.
Jesus stoops down and writes in the dust with his finger. Why does he do this? No one knows. My guess is that it’s to discreetly avert his eyes away from her humiliation and immodesty.
They keep demanding an answer. “What do you say? What do you say? What do you say?” Her heart is thumping. She’s like a fox being pursued by a pack of baying hounds. She’s cornered. They’re closing in. What is this teacher going to say?
Jesus stands up. “Let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone.” Then he stoops down again and writes in the dust. One by one, they slip away. Finally, only Jesus and the woman are left.
Jesus stands up once more. “Where are your accusers? Is there no one to condemn you?” “No man, Lord.” “Then neither do I condemn you. Neither do I. Now go, and sin no more.” It’s a beautiful story. And it’s true.
As Rabbi David Aaron once said, “I wish I could love the greatest saint like the Lord loves the greatest sinner.”
And, as I said two weeks ago, every saint has a past. And every sinner can have a future.
Let’s stand to pray…
Sermon preached at King's Church Darlington, 29 September 2024
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