Conflict in Church (Matthew 18.15-20)

Introduction

There’s an old story about a castaway on a desert island who was found ten years after the shipwreck that led him to be marooned. And they were astonished to find that he had constructed three amazing buildings. So they asked him about them. And he said, “Well, this one is my home. This is where I live. It’s got a great ocean view and every comfort.” He showed them the next building and said, “And this is my church. It’s the most beautiful little chapel you could ever want, so peaceful.” And to be fair, it was very pretty. And they said, “Right, so what’s this third building?” And the guy replied, “Oh, that’s the church I used to go to…”

People leave local churches for many reasons; some good, others less so. And one of the less good reasons for leaving a church is conflict or disagreements with others where, instead of resolving the issues, people take offence, make a fuss and walk out, never to be seen again. And, of course, it’s worse if the offended person doesn’t connect with another local church afterwards, but just drifts away from fellowship and, tragically, from the Lord altogether.

It would be great if church life was always wonderful and harmonious, and if everyone was just lovely and easy to get on with. I often marvel at the sense of God’s goodness amongst us here. With Jesus in the midst of us, I love hearing about broken relationships that God has mended, and sick bodies that God has healed, and messed-up lives that God has restored. No church is perfect of course, but I think the sense of God’s presence at King's is special.

But church doesn’t always feel like the promised land. Did you know that Christians sometimes disagree disagreeably with each other? Well, it turns out that they do. In some churches, people grumble that “the only thing that’s harmonious here is the organ!”

People in any church can be difficult and irritating. Some of you probably think I am. If we’re honest, there are some people we don’t naturally warm to, and we feel tempted to avoid.

Someone put all this into a little rhyme; To dwell above, with saints I love, Oh, that will be glory. But here below, with those I know, Well, that’s another story!

There are many verses in the New Testament that show us how to deal with friction in church relationships. Here’s just a small selection:

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient.”

“Agree with one another in what you say [so] that there [may] be no divisions among you, but that you [may] be perfectly united in mind and thought.”

But what about when the problem is a bit more serious than just getting on each other’s nerves? What about when someone wrongs you? What about ill-treatment? How do you work through that?

I’m not talking about safeguarding matters here by the way. We have a policy and procedure for abusive behaviour involving children and vulnerable adults, and that is accessible to everyone on our website. We have posters all around the building telling you who to speak to if you have a concern.

I’m thinking more about things like malicious gossip, or humiliating or insulting behaviour. Inappropriate flirting. Unfair or excessive criticism which, when prolonged, can feel like bullying. 

This can be directed against leaders too by the way. When I first started out in church leadership, someone gave me a very helpful piece of advice; “The secret of leadership” they said, “is to keep the four guys who hate you away from the five who are still undecided.”

Perhaps you today are thinking about a particular person here or in a previous church who has wronged you. You still feel hurt and aggrieved. How does God want you to handle this and move forward in a healthy way? 

Well, that is what today’s passage of Scripture is all about. So let’s read it together, it’s Matthew 18.15-20.

[Jesus said], “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.”

A few weeks ago, we looked together at the passage in Matthew 16 where Jesus says, “I will build my church.” And, if you remember, we saw that Jesus is talking there about a growing and worldwide movement of believers. A global church that he is building, that every Christian everywhere is part of, that will go on advancing until he returns, and that the devil will be unable to resist and withstand.

But here, two chapters later, the only other place in the Gospels where Jesus talks about the church, this time the word clearly has a different meaning. Here church doesn’t mean a global movement. The context shows Jesus is talking here, not about an international, but about a local gathering of believers. And notice incidentally that he just assumes that his followers will all belong to one. 

This is one such local congregation. King’s is a gathering of believers in a particular neighbourhood where people know each other, love each other and worship together. Jesus says here that there will be times when some of us will step on each other’s toes and fall out.

Four-step programme

This is what Jesus says about how to settle disagreements among Christians in a local church. This is how we move from harm to harmony.

Step 1. Jesus says, v15, “if another believer sins against you, first go privately and point out the offence.”

In other words, don’t complain about it to everyone else. No one else needs to be involved. In this first step, Jesus seems to have in mind meeting up face-to-face.

Too many times in my life I have written a stroppy email and felt huge satisfaction when pressing ‘send’ only to bitterly regret it later. It’s always much better to talk over a coffee than phone or send letters or emails or texts.

Few people find personal confrontation easy, but 2 Timothy 2.24-25 helps us to pitch it right; it says to not “be quarrelsome but kind to everyone… patient with difficult people… correcting… with gentleness.”

So - very practically now - saying, for example, “You called me an idiot in front of other people. You always do this. You are utter scum and I hate you,” is obviously going to make things worse.

Instead, the first step for the very same problem might look a bit more like this: “When you called me an idiot in front of other people, it wasn’t the first time. When you do that it makes me feel humiliated and it hurts. I would love it if you said more positive things that would build me up and encourage me.

Proverbs 15.1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” In other words, bad feeling between two people usually escalates when our manner is hostile or abrasive. But a gracious and measured tone tends to calm things down. “If the other person listens and confesses it,” says Jesus, “you have won that person back.”

“Do you know what; you’re right. I’m sorry, please forgive me. Let’s pray together and ask God to help us do this better.” Happy days…

But it may be that, even after a mature and constructive approach, with grace and kindness, the problem persists.

Step 2. Then Jesus says, “If you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.” This time, maybe having a small group of independent and neutral people with you will help. 

It may be that they can add a helpful perspective. Perhaps, if the problem is rooted in a clash of personalities, having someone else there with a different temperament or approach will help.

But what if that fails too? Jesus says, “if the person still refuses to listen.” They don’t accept they might be in the wrong, they don’t acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused, and they rebuff every attempt to restore harmony in the congregation. What then?

Step 3. Then, Jesus says, “take your case to the church.” Or, “tell it to the church.” This is painful, but in extreme circumstances, in order to prevent further pain, the wider church has to be informed.

Charles Swindoll, in his commentary, suggests that the word “church” here may not necessarily mean the entire gathered congregation on a Sunday morning. It could refer to representatives of the church, like the elders, or to a smaller, carefully selected group of mature individuals. Especially if that would increase the likelihood of bringing the offender back to repentance and restoration. And I’m sure that’s wise counsel.

In four decades of ministry, I have seen this kind of thing from time to time. I’ll give you three examples to give you an idea of the seriousness of the offence involved.

In one case, a member of the welcome team was constantly borrowing money from vulnerable members and not paying them back. I wasn’t involved in the disciplinary process, but I think I’m right in saying the police were informed as well after he refused to repent.

In another case, the vicar’s son ran off with a churchwarden’s wife and they moved in together. She had children who were torn between mum and dad, it was a horrible mess. That’s not against the law of the land, but it is against the teaching of God’s word. When they refused to end the relationship, their church membership was revoked with the goal of saving the marriage and restoring their faith.

In another case, a church member kept being verbally aggressive and personally unpleasant to newcomers, to such an extent that most visitors didn’t dare return. We had to tell him to leave the church and not return until he agreed to change his attitude and behaviour.

In each case, steps 1 and 2 were taken but were unsuccessful. In each case it was very upsetting. Nobody took any pleasure in it. But in each case it was sadly necessary.

Step 4. “Then,” says Jesus, v17, “if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”

Wow! Even if the goal is to encourage the person to repent and be restored, doesn’t that sound a bit harsh to you? Does it sound unloving and judgmental and not very inclusive?

Beware when churches use those words all the time. Inclusive and diverse can mean “everybody is welcome - except Jesus, and we love our sin more than his call to holiness.” I feel I just need to teach into this a bit because there’s a fashion for putting words into Jesus’ mouth that he never said.

We hear a lot about ‘unconditional love’. And yes, God is love, but unconditional love is not a phrase you find anywhere in the Bible, and Jesus never spoke about it. In fact, he actually insisted on conditions. He said, “If you keep my commandments (that’s a condition) you will remain in my love.”

We hear a lot about ‘inclusive church.’ And yes, there must be an open door for everyone, absolutely. But Jesus never emphasized easy entry, saying instead, “If anyone wants to follow me, they have to deny themselves and take up their cross daily.”

We hear a lot about ‘broad church’ like diversity of expression is the ultimate goal. And yes, there are many valid ways to do church. But Jesus never talked about broadness. In fact, quite the reverse. “Enter through the narrow gate” he said. “For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”

How many so-called ‘inclusive’, so-called ‘affirming’, so-called ‘progressive’ churches ever highlight these sayings of Jesus or challenge their congregations to repentance, and saving faith, and costly discipleship?

Treating someone as a pagan or a tax collector, and this is what Jesus says we have to do, means removing them from church membership. It’s putting someone outside of the community of believers.

In v18, he backs the decision made on earth with the authority of heaven. This is not the Taliban we’re talking about here; remember, this is about someone who has been given three opportunities to put things right, in all patience and gentleness, but who, on each occasion, three times in a row, has (Jesus' words) refused to listen. Jesus is serious.

It’s unloving to do nothing. Cancer needs chemo and surgery. So Jesus isn’t scared of hurting people’s feelings if they’re making a mess of their lives and damaging his church.

It may sound harsh and severe. But think about it. How does Jesus treat pagans and tax collectors? Already in Matthew’s Gospel we’ve seen him interact with many pagans; delivering from demonic torment a man named Legion, healing a Roman centurion’s servant, and a Canaanite woman’s daughter. We’ve seen him take away their suffering. All three of them non-Jews, pagans. We’ve seen him have compassion on a crowd of 4,000 hungry people in the Decapolis: all of them non-Jews, pagans.

And how does Jesus treat tax collectors? Matthew, who writes all this down for us, had been one of them. Shunned and excluded and hated by all - except Jesus who loves him and calls him to repentance and then includes him and rebuilds him. The whole point of church discipline is not retaliation or vengeance, but restoration and reinstatement. 

In the three cases I mentioned earlier, as far as I know, alas two of them never resulted in the individuals turning back to God and being welcomed back into fellowship. Their hearts were hard. But one did, and oh, how wonderful that was. Mercy triumphs over judgement. Listen, every saint has a past but every sinner can have a future.

There’s a story about a busy father who was looking for a way to entertain his young daughter. He found a map of the world in a magazine and he cut it into pieces. He gave the pieces to his daughter and suggested she try to piece the map back together. Well, it took her no time at all. And he was very surprised by how quickly she had done it. So he asked her, “how did you manage to do it so fast?” She said, ‘Well, when you took the page out of the magazine I saw on the back of the map of the world there was a picture of a man and a woman. I thought that if I could put them back together, it would put the world back together.’ I love that!

The local church is the hope of the world. When we are right with each other, when we are put back together by the love of God, our fragmented, broken world gets a taste of the healing God wants to give to it. “By this the whole world will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another,” says Jesus.

Ending

I need to finish. I want to land on Matthew 18.19-20 where Jesus says this: “If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.”

These are verses we usually hear trotted out at poorly attended prayer meetings to lift the gloom. And, look, I don’t doubt that the Lord is present every time a small handful of souls are the only ones to meet up to pray.

But we’ve got to be honest and admit that the context here is not the church prayer meeting, but resolving a dispute and bringing about reconciliation.

When two or three get together to try and sort out a problem between two believers, the Lord promises his presence, to bring wisdom, and light.

When two or three get together to reason with and appeal to someone who has sinned against another, the Lord promises his presence, to bring grace and clarity and conviction.

When two or three get together to apply church discipline and put out of the local church an offender who keeps refusing to listen, a wolf among the sheep, the Lord promises his presence, to bring unity and a sense of safety. Isn’t that a lovely promise; I will be there among them.

The palpable, tangible, presence of the Lord in the life of a local church is a thing of beauty. We often sing about this; “Now your presence fills this place, be exalted in our praise.” “Holy Spirit, you are welcome here, come flood this place and fill the atmosphere; your glory, God, is what our hearts long for, to be overcome by your presence, Lord.” “Your presence like a cloud upon that ancient day; the priests were overwhelmed because Your glory came.” “Be still, for the presence of the Lord, the holy one is here.”

The presence and glory of the Lord are a river that makes glad the city of God. Moses once said, “Lord, if your presence does not go with us, don’t send us from here.” It was inconceivable for him to go on any further in his journey unless God’s presence was not at the heart of his people. Unity and harmony among us as the Lord’s people brings such a sweet taste of God’s presence and power. People notice it. They say, “What is it about this place?

How good and pleasant it is
when God’s people live together in unity! It is like precious anointing oil… [do you want God’s anointing among us?]
Like dew descending... [do you want the freshness of a new morning?]
For there [where there is unity in the Holy Spirit] the Lord commands his blessing, even life forevermore.

Let’s pray…

 

Sermon preached at King's Church Darlington, 8 September 2024