Introduction
There’s
an old story about a castaway on a desert island who was found ten years after
the shipwreck that led him to be marooned. And they were astonished to
find that he had constructed three amazing buildings. So they asked him
about them. And he said, “Well, this one is my home. This is where I
live. It’s got a great ocean view and every comfort.” He showed them
the next building and said, “And this is my church. It’s the most
beautiful little chapel you could ever want, so peaceful.” And to be fair,
it was very pretty. And they said, “Right, so what’s this third
building?” And the guy replied, “Oh, that’s the church I used to go to…”
People
leave local churches for many reasons; some good, others less so. And one
of the less good reasons for leaving a church is conflict or disagreements with
others where, instead of resolving the issues, people take offence, make a fuss
and walk out, never to be seen again. And, of course, it’s worse if the
offended person doesn’t connect with another local church afterwards, but just
drifts away from fellowship and, tragically, from the Lord altogether.
It
would be great if church life was always wonderful and harmonious, and if
everyone was just lovely and easy to get on with. I often marvel at the
sense of God’s goodness amongst us here. With Jesus in the midst of us, I
love hearing about broken relationships that God has mended, and sick bodies
that God has healed, and messed-up lives that God has restored. No church
is perfect of course, but I think the sense of God’s presence at King's is
special.
But
church doesn’t always feel like the promised land. Did you know that
Christians sometimes disagree disagreeably with each other? Well, it turns
out that they do. In some churches, people grumble that “the only thing
that’s harmonious here is the organ!”
People
in any church can be difficult and irritating. Some of you probably think I am.
If we’re honest, there are some people we don’t naturally warm to, and we feel
tempted to avoid.
Someone
put all this into a little rhyme; To
dwell above, with saints I love, Oh, that will be glory. But
here below, with those I know, Well, that’s another story!
There
are many verses in the New Testament that show us how to deal with friction in
church relationships. Here’s just a small selection:
“Bear
with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against
someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
“Be
completely humble and gentle; be patient.”
“Agree
with one another in what you say [so] that there [may] be no divisions among
you, but that you [may] be perfectly united in mind and thought.”
But
what about when the problem is a bit more serious than just getting on each
other’s nerves? What about when someone wrongs you? What about
ill-treatment? How do you work through that?
I’m
not talking about safeguarding matters here by the way. We have a policy
and procedure for abusive behaviour involving children and vulnerable adults,
and that is accessible to everyone on our website. We have posters all
around the building telling you who to speak to if you have a concern.
I’m
thinking more about things like malicious gossip, or humiliating or insulting
behaviour. Inappropriate flirting. Unfair or excessive criticism which,
when prolonged, can feel like bullying.
This
can be directed against leaders too by the way. When I first started out in
church leadership, someone gave me a very helpful piece of advice; “The secret
of leadership” they said, “is to keep the four guys who hate you away from the
five who are still undecided.”
Perhaps
you today are thinking about a particular person here or in a previous church
who has wronged you. You still feel hurt and aggrieved. How does God want
you to handle this and move forward in a healthy way?
Well,
that is what today’s passage of Scripture is all about. So let’s read it
together, it’s Matthew 18.15-20.
[Jesus
said], “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the
offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person
back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back
again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.
If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he
or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a
corrupt tax collector. I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will
be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in
heaven. I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning
anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or
three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.”
A few weeks ago, we looked together at the passage in Matthew 16 where Jesus
says, “I will build my church.” And, if you remember, we saw that Jesus is
talking there about a growing and worldwide movement of believers. A
global church that he is building, that every Christian everywhere is part of,
that will go on advancing until he returns, and that the devil will be unable
to resist and withstand.
But
here, two chapters later, the only other place in the Gospels where Jesus talks
about the church, this time the word clearly has a different meaning. Here
church doesn’t mean a global movement. The context shows Jesus is talking
here, not about an international, but about a local gathering of
believers. And notice incidentally that he just assumes that his followers
will all belong to one.
This
is one such local congregation. King’s is a gathering of believers in a
particular neighbourhood where people know each other, love each other and
worship together. Jesus says here that there will be times when some of us
will step on each other’s toes and fall out.
Four-step
programme
This
is what Jesus says about how to settle disagreements among Christians in a
local church. This is how we move from harm to harmony.
Step
1. Jesus
says, v15, “if another believer sins against you, first go privately and point
out the offence.”
In
other words, don’t complain about it to everyone else. No one else needs to be
involved. In this first step, Jesus seems to have in mind meeting up
face-to-face.
Too
many times in my life I have written a stroppy email and felt huge satisfaction
when pressing ‘send’ only to bitterly regret it later. It’s always much better
to talk over a coffee than phone or send letters or emails or texts.
Few
people find personal confrontation easy, but 2 Timothy 2.24-25 helps us to
pitch it right; it says to not “be quarrelsome but kind to everyone… patient
with difficult people… correcting… with gentleness.”
So
- very practically now - saying, for example, “You called me an idiot in front
of other people. You always do this. You are utter scum and I hate you,” is
obviously going to make things worse.
Instead,
the first step for the very same problem might look a bit more like this: “When
you called me an idiot in front of other people, it wasn’t the first time. When
you do that it makes me feel humiliated and it hurts. I would love it if you
said more positive things that would build me up and encourage me.
Proverbs 15.1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs
up anger.” In other words, bad feeling between two people usually escalates
when our manner is hostile or abrasive. But a gracious and measured tone tends
to calm things down. “If the other person listens and confesses it,” says Jesus, “you have won that
person back.”
“Do you know what; you’re right. I’m sorry, please forgive me. Let’s pray
together and ask God to help us do this better.” Happy days…
But
it may be that, even after a mature and constructive approach, with grace and
kindness, the problem persists.
Step
2. Then
Jesus says, “If you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go
back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three
witnesses.” This time, maybe having a small group of independent and
neutral people with you will help.
It
may be that they can add a helpful perspective. Perhaps, if the problem is
rooted in a clash of personalities, having someone else there with a different
temperament or approach will help.
But
what if that fails too? Jesus says, “if the person still refuses to listen.”
They don’t accept they might be in the wrong, they don’t acknowledge the hurt
they’ve caused, and they rebuff every attempt to restore harmony in the
congregation. What then?
Step
3. Then,
Jesus says, “take your case to the church.” Or, “tell it to the
church.” This is painful, but in extreme circumstances, in order to
prevent further pain, the wider church has to be informed.
Charles
Swindoll, in his commentary, suggests that the word “church” here may not
necessarily mean the entire gathered congregation on a Sunday morning. It could
refer to representatives of the church, like the elders, or to a smaller,
carefully selected group of mature individuals. Especially if that would
increase the likelihood of bringing the offender back to repentance and
restoration. And I’m sure that’s wise counsel.
In
four decades of ministry, I have seen this kind of thing from time to time.
I’ll give you three examples to give you an idea of the seriousness of the
offence involved.
In
one case, a member of the welcome team was constantly borrowing money from
vulnerable members and not paying them back. I wasn’t involved in the
disciplinary process, but I think I’m right in saying the police were informed
as well after he refused to repent.
In
another case, the vicar’s son ran off with a churchwarden’s wife and they moved
in together. She had children who were torn between mum and dad, it was a
horrible mess. That’s not against the law of the land, but it is against the
teaching of God’s word. When they refused to end the relationship, their church
membership was revoked with the goal of saving the marriage and restoring their
faith.
In another case, a church member kept being verbally aggressive and personally
unpleasant to newcomers, to such an extent that most visitors didn’t dare
return. We had to tell him to leave the church and not return until he agreed
to change his attitude and behaviour.
In
each case, steps 1 and 2 were taken but were unsuccessful. In each case it was
very upsetting. Nobody took any pleasure in it. But in each case it was sadly
necessary.
Step
4. “Then,”
says Jesus, v17, “if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that
person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”
Wow!
Even if the goal is to encourage the person to repent and be restored, doesn’t
that sound a bit harsh to you? Does it sound unloving and judgmental and not
very inclusive?
Beware
when churches use those words all the time. Inclusive and diverse can mean
“everybody is welcome - except Jesus, and we love our sin more than his call to
holiness.” I feel I just need to teach into this a bit because there’s a
fashion for putting words into Jesus’ mouth that he never said.
We
hear a lot about ‘unconditional love’. And yes, God is love, but unconditional
love is not a phrase you find anywhere in the Bible, and Jesus never spoke
about it. In fact, he actually insisted on conditions. He said, “If you keep my
commandments (that’s a condition) you will remain in my love.”
We
hear a lot about ‘inclusive church.’ And yes, there must be an open door for
everyone, absolutely. But Jesus never emphasized easy entry, saying instead,
“If anyone wants to follow me, they have to deny themselves and take up their
cross daily.”
We
hear a lot about ‘broad church’ like diversity of expression is the ultimate
goal. And yes, there are many valid ways to do church. But Jesus never talked
about broadness. In fact, quite the reverse. “Enter through the narrow gate” he
said. “For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction,
and many enter through it.”
How
many so-called ‘inclusive’, so-called ‘affirming’, so-called ‘progressive’
churches ever highlight these sayings of Jesus or challenge their congregations
to repentance, and saving faith, and costly discipleship?
Treating
someone as a pagan or a tax collector, and this is what Jesus says we have to
do, means removing them from church membership. It’s putting someone outside of
the community of believers.
In
v18, he backs the decision made on earth with the authority of heaven. This is
not the Taliban we’re talking about here; remember, this is about someone who
has been given three opportunities to put things right, in all patience and
gentleness, but who, on each occasion, three times in a row, has (Jesus' words)
refused to listen. Jesus is serious.
It’s
unloving to do nothing. Cancer needs chemo and surgery. So Jesus isn’t scared
of hurting people’s feelings if they’re making a mess of their lives and
damaging his church.
It
may sound harsh and severe. But think about it. How does Jesus treat pagans and
tax collectors? Already in Matthew’s Gospel we’ve seen him interact with many
pagans; delivering from demonic torment a man named Legion, healing a Roman
centurion’s servant, and a Canaanite woman’s daughter. We’ve seen him take away
their suffering. All three of them non-Jews, pagans. We’ve seen him have
compassion on a crowd of 4,000 hungry people in the Decapolis: all of them
non-Jews, pagans.
And
how does Jesus treat tax collectors? Matthew, who writes all this down for us,
had been one of them. Shunned and excluded and hated by all - except Jesus who
loves him and calls him to repentance and then includes him and rebuilds
him. The whole point of church discipline is not retaliation or vengeance,
but restoration and reinstatement.
In
the three cases I mentioned earlier, as far as I know, alas two of them never
resulted in the individuals turning back to God and being welcomed back into
fellowship. Their hearts were hard. But one did, and oh, how wonderful
that was. Mercy triumphs over judgement. Listen, every saint has a past but
every sinner can have a future.
There’s a story about a busy father who was looking for a way to entertain his
young daughter. He found a map of the world in a magazine and he cut it into
pieces. He gave the pieces to his daughter and suggested she try to piece the
map back together. Well, it took her no time at all. And he was very surprised
by how quickly she had done it. So he asked her, “how did you manage to do it
so fast?” She said, ‘Well, when you took the page out of the magazine I saw on
the back of the map of the world there was a picture of a man and a woman. I
thought that if I could put them back together, it would put the world back
together.’ I love that!
The
local church is the hope of the world. When we are right with each other, when
we are put back together by the love of God, our fragmented, broken world gets
a taste of the healing God wants to give to it. “By this the whole world will
know that you are my disciples, if you love one another,” says Jesus.
Ending
I
need to finish. I want to land on Matthew 18.19-20 where Jesus says this: “If
two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven
will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I
am there among them.”
These are verses we usually hear trotted out at poorly attended prayer meetings
to lift the gloom. And, look, I don’t doubt that the Lord is present every time
a small handful of souls are the only ones to meet up to pray.
But we’ve got to be honest and admit that the context here is not the church
prayer meeting, but resolving a dispute and bringing about reconciliation.
When two or three get together to try and sort out a problem between two
believers, the Lord promises his presence, to bring wisdom, and light.
When
two or three get together to reason with and appeal to someone who has sinned
against another, the Lord promises his presence, to bring grace and clarity and
conviction.
When two or three get together to apply church discipline and put out of the
local church an offender who keeps refusing to listen, a wolf among the sheep,
the Lord promises his presence, to bring unity and a sense of safety. Isn’t
that a lovely promise; I will be there among them.
The palpable, tangible, presence of the Lord in the life of a local church is a
thing of beauty. We often sing about this; “Now your presence fills this place,
be exalted in our praise.” “Holy Spirit, you are welcome here, come flood this
place and fill the atmosphere; your glory, God, is what our hearts long for, to
be overcome by your presence, Lord.” “Your presence like a cloud upon that
ancient day; the priests were overwhelmed because Your glory came.” “Be still,
for the presence of the Lord, the holy one is here.”
The
presence and glory of the Lord are a river that makes glad the city of God.
Moses once said, “Lord, if your presence does not go with us, don’t send us
from here.” It was inconceivable for him to go on any further in his journey
unless God’s presence was not at the heart of his people. Unity and harmony
among us as the Lord’s people brings such a sweet taste of God’s presence and power.
People notice it. They say, “What is it about this place?
How
good and pleasant it is
when
God’s people live together in unity! It is like precious anointing
oil… [do you want God’s anointing among us?]
Like dew descending... [do you want the freshness of a
new morning?]
For there [where there
is unity in the Holy Spirit] the Lord commands his blessing, even life
forevermore.
Let’s
pray…
Sermon
preached at King's Church Darlington, 8 September 2024