Introduction
Dear Dad,
I'm writing to tell you that I'm pregnant and I've run off with my new boyfriend Andy. Don't worry dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Besides, Andy is older than me (well, 42 isn't that old these days). He has no money but I know you always said you just wanted me to be happy. I know when you meet Andy you'll like him very much - his piercings and tattoos are so cutting edge.
It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me - in his own way. He wrote to all 6 mothers of his 9 children the last time he was in jail.
Andy taught me that marijuana is harmless. He even grows it. He says we can trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and alcohol we need. In the meantime, pray they find a cure for AIDS so Andy can get better; he so deserves it!
One day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie
PS: I'm next door and none of the above is true. I just wanted you to know that there are worse things in life than my school report which you’ll find in my bedroom. Please call round when it is safe for me to come home.
The Challenge
Parenting teenagers. Ha! What do I know about that? Maybe the sermon title should have been Herding Cats.
Parenting teenagers. In what sense am I qualified to stand up and give a talk on this subject?
In my defense, I have had three children who have gone through their teens and are now in their twenties. I have one more who is 14. So if past and present experience count for anything, I do have a little to draw on. But in mitigation, I have made some pretty spectacular mistakes with each of my four teenagers.
The thing is we only get one go at being parents and there is no training course or inbuilt know-how. We all learn on the job, mostly by trial and error.
So let me state right away that I do not pretend to speak from a position of strength this morning. There are so many things I would do differently if I could have my time again.
It is a demanding job to be a parent and doubly so when they become teenagers.
Parenting toddlers can be back breaking but parenting adolescents can be heart breaking. It can be lonely, it can be bewildering. It can be impossible.
I have sometimes seriously considered whether I can carry on as a church leader, such is the strain that has come directly from parenting my teenagers, one in particular.
Rob Parsons says, “If things are going well (yeah, right!) don’t take all the credit. But if things are going badly, don’t take all the blame.” That’s from a book I recommend called “Teenagers: What Every Parent Has to Know” which I found hugely helpful and which is on sale on the bookstall.
From a parent’s point of view, the teenage years can be traumatic. When they’re small you hear endlessly about the magical day they've had. A decade later you only know about anything they do by reading it on Facebook. Your sweet and sunny little bundle of joy mutates into a moody and withdrawn, eye-rolling door slammer.
Bette Davis once said “If you've never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.” That’s the parent’s point of view then.
From the teenager’s point of view, it’s the parents who change. All-knowing, fun-loving friends become sadistic fascists with no fashion sense and are not to be seen with in public at any costs, lest they die of embarrassment. It never occurred to me as a teenager that one day I would know as little as my mum and dad but one of my children regularly reminds me that that is the level I have sunk to.
Wise Proverbs
Does the Bible have anything at all to say about parenting teenagers?
When I used to read the Proverbs about parenting in the Bible I always saw them as referring to young children but increasingly I see how their wisdom applies in a subtly different way to teenagers too.
“Those who spare the rod hate their children but those who love them are careful to discipline them” (13.24) might be the best known of all the Proverbs about parenting in the Bible – and it is crucially important to set and enforce boundaries. The longer you delay that the harder it is later. So start early, but keep setting boundaries in teenage years too (different ones obviously).
It’s your job to set the limits for what goes and what does not go in your home – and to decide what sanction you apply when your children defy your authority. The Bible says “Don’t embitter your children or they will become discouraged.”
There’s a difference between strict (which is good) and severe (which is not). So a boundary of “You must be home by 9:00pm” with a penalty of solitary confinement for a week if you’re one minute late will obviously be counterproductive. But “Don’t be harsh” doesn’t mean “Anything goes.”
Teaching on discipline and boundaries though is actually only a small part of all the wisdom for parents you find in Proverbs.
The overwhelming emphasis there is on verbal encouragement and teaching. “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching” it says in chapter 1, verse 8. When they’re little you just tell them. “Why?” Because. When they’re older “because” doesn’t wash.
I’ve found that it’s got to be much more of a dialogue. “What do you think about bullying at school, drugs, pocket money, tattoos, the best time to do homework, wearing makeup? Why do you think that girl in Year 11 got pregnant?” I’ve found that imparting my values in a two-way conversation in which I really listen to my teenagers’ opinions and commend what I agree with usually pays dividends.
Another Proverb, 22.6, says “Train children up in the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” Of course, we know that every parent needs to train a young child to tell the truth and share toys. In Christian families parents need to train their children to pray and teach them the Bible as well.
But, especially as they become teenagers, I believe that training children up in the way they should go is also about discovering each one’s special and unique talent or aptitude or interest and nurturing them in it. Spend time with your teenagers helping them find their path in life and use the gifts that God has given them.
Proverbs 23.25 says “May your father and mother rejoice; may she who gave you birth be joyful!” Children are a gift from the Lord and they should know that they are special treasure.
When children become teenagers there is a great temptation to ease off on the physical expressions of love and esteem because teenagers often feel awkward and might not return the affection - but I think it is really important to keep going. Teenagers might not show it but deep inside I think they love to hear about how special they are and how much they are loved.
By the way, I looked high and low for a verse in the Bible about getting teenagers to tidy their bedroom – and there isn’t one. Apart from perhaps 2 Thessalonians 3.10 which says “Anyone who is unwilling to work shall not eat.” (!) Or perhaps Philippians 2.14 which says “Do everything without complaining or arguing.”
Jesus Was a Teenager Too
Do you ever worry yourself sick about what your teenagers are up to - and where they are? Or do you get anxious about them talking to strangers? If so, you can take great reassurance this morning from the fact that Mary and Joseph had exactly the same issues with Jesus when he was in Year 8.
Luke 2.41-52 situates Jesus at a crucial stage in his human development. The Bible tells us he was age 12, so it was just after his Bar Mitzvah when, as a Jewish boy, he would have officially left his mother’s apron strings and become an apprentice in his father’s line of work.
Anyway, the parent’s worst nightmare happens. They travel home in a large family group. Joseph thinks he is with Mary because up to that age he always has been his mother’s boy. “I thought he was with you.” But Mary thinks he is with Joseph – because he’s now 12, he should be with his dad. “No, I thought he was with you.”
For three days they look for him. Can you imagine their distress? When they finally find him they discover that he has been holding his own with the nation’s top theologians for half a week and he is apparently unaware that he should have been somewhere else.
Look, I know Jesus is the Son of God and in very nature divine. But even so, I think this Bible passage gives us some insight into the truth that teenagers are not quite children anymore - but they’re not quite adults either.
Verse 52 says “He went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.” He was still a child in that sense. But verses 47-48 say that when his parents see him, they are astonished at his understanding and his answers. That’s the emerging adult.
That's why parenting teenagers is such an art. You have to give teenagers a bit of latitude, let them make some decisions and take some responsibilities. You need to discern that and sometimes the call you make will be along very subtle lines - and may well differ from teenager to teenager. But at the same time your teenagers need to know that you’re not completely letting go just yet. You are still taking responsibility for them.
“Why were you searching for me?” says Jesus. “Didn’t you know I had to be about my father’s business?” They think he’s talking about carpentry, the family business he has just officially entered at his Bar Mitzvah.
But he wasn’t talking about woodwork. And the Bible says this; “They did not understand what he was saying to them.” So the communication barrier between parents and teenagers existed even in Bible times and with a sinless teenager! So cheer up, it’s not just you. There will be times when you just won't feel you can relate to each other.
But I want you to note this; the family went up to Jerusalem for the Passover. “According to the custom” it says in v42. There was a pattern, there was a routine if you like in Jesus’ family. Jesus grew up with that expectation that the Sabbath is for God. We bless our children if they grow up with that too.
Your teenagers will learn how real your faith is in your life by the importance you attach to living it out during the week and gathering with other Christians for worship on Sunday. If they observe that it’s not a massive priority for you, don’t be surprised if it never becomes important for them. Why should it?
When children are young they absorb your faith and don’t question it. Primary schools are a supportive environment in this country. But when they get into their teens they have to question it. Don’t get nervous about that. It’s actually healthy. In order for them to own their faith they have to go through a process of searching.
Two Paths
Psalm 1 talks about the two directions people can take. This is a constant theme in Scripture. Jesus talked about two roads; one is broad and you can go fast and it leads to destruction. Many people take it. The other is narrow and winding and only a few find it.
I think this theme and this Psalm are especially pertinent to those in their teens. All are tempted go with the wrong crowd where their faith drains away. Some actually do.
Verse 1 talks about walking in step with the wicked, standing in the way that sinners take and siting in the company of mockers. Faith is tested at secondary school and any teenager who emerges from that with their faith intact will have real backbone and genuine character. What happens to those who end up hanging out with the wrong crowd? Verse 4 tells us that they are like chaff that the wind blows away.
From the earliest years of my children’s lives I resolved that I didn’t much care whether they lived in fancy, big houses or earned huge salaries or enjoyed great successful careers. But it mattered to me greatly that they would grow up to walk with God and live according to his wisdom - and it still does.
I’ve always said to Kathie that I’d rather they worked in McDonald’s and loved the Lord than be lawyers or doctors and be spiritually lost.
If they do go on to have well paid, prestigious careers, then well and good. But it wouldn’t make me any more proud of them and if all that came at the cost of their relationship with God I feel that I will have failed as a parent. Every night I’d pray over their cots – Kathie and I still pray regularly for them – and above all else that they will know God and live for Christ. And if they marry - then to a believer.
Psalm 1 goes on to say “Blessed are those who delight in the law of the Lord and meditate on his law day and night. They are like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither - whatever they do prospers.” What’s the key to real prosperity and flourishing in life? Delighting in God’s word and giving deep consideration to all his ways.
Isn’t that what we want most of all for our teenagers as they journey from childhood to adulthood?
Conclusion
So, to finish – a few bullet points:
· Pray for them every day – they’ll be spiritually impacted by that.
· Be available for them – they’ll treasure that.
· Model a God-first lifestyle – they’ll absorb that.
· Listen to what they say and respect their opinions – they’ll value that.
· Say sorry when you get things wrong – they’ll respect that.
· Build up their self-esteem – they’ll grow confident from that.
· Love them – they need that.
If you’re finding it really hard being a parent to teenagers, that’s because it usually is hard. Maybe that’s why God has chosen someone special like you to do it.
Let’s pray…
Sermon preached at All Saints' Preston on Tees, 10th June 2012
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