Just when you've made all the mistakes you can make as a parent, and you finally feel that you’ve pretty well got the hang of being parents, your kids grow up and leave the nest. And before long they have made you grandparents.
Though I am a grandfather to a sweet little girl called Emilie who is about 8 months old, I have only met her once when she was a baby as she lives far away. I will get to see her again next week when my son and his wife travel up for our daughter’s wedding so you can imagine how I am looking forward to all that.
So since I want for experience on the subject of being grandparents I took the trouble of seeking the collective wisdom of about a dozen grandparents from this church this week.
The first question I asked was “What do you think is the most important advice you would give to someone who’d just become a grandparent?” As you might have guessed, I have to declare an interest on this one.
The top themes in the replies were to love the grandchildren, and to enjoy them. As Proverbs 16.31 says “Children’s children are a crown to the aged.”
Grandchildren are a delight of course in sometimes surprising ways. I heard a story about a 7 year-old boy who came home from school and said to his grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That's interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It's simple,” replied the boy. “You just drop the ‘y’ and add ‘i-e-s’.”
We love the delightful things they come out with don’t we?
In my little survey people also said to be as available for them as possible but without being afraid to say “no” if necessary. I took this to mean setting limits on excessive requests from parents to babysit their children. And of course, it is their job, not yours.
The second question I asked was “What do you think are the biggest pitfalls or difficulties in being a grandparent?” The overwhelming two answers to emerge were interfering with the family by taking over the parent role and spoiling the grandchildren.
The interference issue is key. Your grown up children might well take a different approach to parenting to your own and this can be especially difficult if your children choose not to follow you in your Christian faith. But I can hardly imagine a situation where undermining parents would turn out well for your grandchildren.
I never thought my parents or Kathie’s parents could quite do the job we did for our children. I’m sure we all felt the same when our children were young as parents; however helpful and supportive our parents were no one knew our children quite like we did and it was our job to raise our children and pass on our values as best we could. Interference just makes things tense.
As for spoiling the grandchildren – whenever I used to visit my grandparents in Wimbledon they always used to give me £5 when it was time to say goodbye which was a lot of money when I was a boy.
I began to see my grandparents as a bit of a cash cow which says more about me than about them, but going overboard on giving material things can actually weaken the genuine affection between the generations.
We need to find a sense of proportion. In the replies to my question, several people said that grandparents have a great opportunity to pass on spiritual blessings to their grandchildren as well as material ones.
Someone said, “I'm a grandparent; I have a right to spoil my grandchildren.” I disagree. In fact, I think we have a responsibility not to.
There’s a difference between treating and spoiling. Treat them by all means, but if you spoil them they will turn out… we’ll, spoiled.
I think there are some wise responses there:
· Love your grandchildren
· Make time to be with them
· Don’t be afraid to say “no” if you need to
· Beware of usurping your children’s role as your grandchildren’s parents
· Treat but don’t spoil the grandchildren
· Pass on spiritual values as well as material treats
Today’s Deuteronomy reading is all about being faithful to God’s word and not drifting from its standard. All the way through Deuteronomy you find this theme; if you want to prosper and live well and live under the hand of God’s blessing you have to live in obedience to God’s word.
People sometimes talk about the Bible as a big black rule book that’s down on people enjoying themselves.
J. John talks about a man who took this view; “The Ten Commandments are so negative – don’t do this, don’t do that. We should do away with them” he said. And J. John thought, “Yes, that you shall not murder really cramps my style!”
In fact, far from being a series of miserable prohibitions, our reading sets out obedience to God’s word as the key to living well and enjoying life.
Verse 1 and 5; God says “Do you want to live and take possession of the land? Well, here’s how - remember to follow my ways and be careful to do so.”
Verses 3-4; God says “Do you want to avoid ruin and disaster? Well, remember those people who went after false idols – look what happened to them! But look, those who kept faith are still here. Think about why.”
Verses 6-8; God says “How do you want a harvest of goodness in your life that is so wonderful that other people will find it attractive and will want to emulate it? Well, remember what I taught you, don’t forget it and put it into practice.”
And verse 9, which has particular resonance for grandparents;
“Be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.”
It may be if your children are cool towards your faith that you are in a difficult spot here. We’ve talked already about the pitfalls of interfering and undermining. But however uneasy your children and in-laws might be about your faith, you can still pray fervently for the future generations of your family and the Proverbs underline how living righteously, living consistently is a strong element of that teaching.
And, of course, if your life oozes love, kindness, joy, wisdom, patience, gentleness, faith and consistency we will have more impact for good on our grandchildren than if we just rant on and on about God every time they come to stay. I am not saying "Don't talk about the goodness of the Lord" to your grandchildren if you have an opportunity to do so. I am saying that will be counterproductive if you aren't living an attractive lifestyle at the same time.
Proverbs 13.22 in the Message version says “A good life gets passed on to the grandchildren.”
Mind you grandchildren might not always take in what you pass on. One grandfather told about his granddaughter who was visiting one day and said, “Granddad, I know why you are like God?” He mentally polished his halo and said, “Tell me why.” “Well, you’re both really, really old!” There’s nothing like being compared to the Ancient of Days to brighten up your week is there?
But it’s true that “a good life gets passed on to the grandchildren.” Charles Spurgeon once preached on being a grandparent and said, “We have come to a turning point in the road. If we turn to the right perhaps our children and our children's children will go that way; but if we turn to the left, generations yet unborn will curse our names for having been unfaithful to God and to His Word.”
So let me finish briefly with words from Titus 2 which map out the qualities God most wants grandparents to have in order to influence and shape future generations.
In v1-2, Paul speaks of older men who are becoming temperate, worthy of respect and self-controlled, sound in faith, in love and in endurance. You grandfathers, is that how you want your grandchildren to think of you?
Verse 3 speaks of older women urging, (not telling, not preaching, not nagging) the younger women to keep their family strong and stable - loving their husbands and children and building a place of wholesome security. You grandmothers, you have a role in cheering on your daughters and daughters-in-law to be good, respectful wives.
It speaks of older women having a wholesome lifestyle; reverent in the way they live, not slagging people off or always with a glass of gin but commending all that is good. Is that how you want your grandchildren to think of you?
Our faith - and the beautiful fruit of a life lived in Christ - are the greatest legacy we pass on to our children and grandchildren.
So may the Lord, who shows love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments, give us grace to live consistently for him and may we rejoice to see his blessing and favour echo through to our children – and our children’s children. Amen.
Sermon preached at All Saints' Preston on Tees, 17th June 2012
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