Making Love Last (1 Corinthians 13.1-8)

A Wedding Talk

Here’s what the Bible says about love.

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. 

Well, Lucy and Kevin many congratulations. We are all so happy for you and wish you both well in your new life together as husband and wife.

I say “Congratulations” but I remember very well people saying that to me on May 28th 1983 at our wedding reception and I said, “Yeah but we haven’t done anything yet. Congratulate us in 20 years’ time.”

People change over time don’t they?

We change physically. Did you know that since I started this talk, about a million cells in your body have died and been replaced by new cells. The truth is our bodies are getting older, tireder, greyer, wrinklier, achier and for some of us balder every day. And as we get older we tend to become less physically attractive. Warning, this talk is intended to depress everyone!

Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger, now aged 70, was interviewed on a TV chat show some years ago and was talking about how he keeps going at his age. He described the creases on his face as “laugh lines.” The interviewer just smiled and said, “Oh come on, nothing’s that funny”!

So we change physically. We change emotionally. Children change us. We develop new interests as we get older.

They say that women are like wine, they mature with age. Men are like milk… Yes, some do go sour but listen; milk can be turned into a delicious cheese that goes wonderfully well with good wine.

I was thinking the other day about the way Kathie and I have changed since we got married.

We were going out together before the days of e-mail and Facebook and WhatsApp and mobile phones. So we wrote love letters to one another.

There’s an old story about a young man and his fiancée. Like Kathie and me, they used to write love letters to each other every day. The young man said, “Whenever I get a letter from you, I always kiss the back of the envelope before I open it because I love to think that your lips have touched it when you sealed it before putting it in the post.” Well, she blushed and felt terribly awkward. She said, “Actually, I moisten the flap on the dog’s nose!”

If I ever read our old love letters now I’d be embarrassed at the sentimental drivel we wrote to each other when we were in our teens. But I loved her and she loved me and we still love each other but we’ve totally changed. That’s what the Bible means when it says “Love keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” 

Anyway, I asked myself this week “What are the top three things we have learned about making love last in marriage?”

And, other couples who have kept it together for a long time might have their own recipe for happiness but for what it’s worth, here’s our top 3.

Number One: learn how your husband or wife feels love.

There’s a psychologist called Gary Chapman who has worked out that there are different ways that husbands or wives like to give and receive love. He reckons that basically there are five ways. He calls it the five love languages.

So here they are… See if you can work out what your love language is.

Some people feel most loved when their spouse spends quality time with them. It doesn’t have to be anything special; it can just be a walk in the park for an hour together. It can be simple and inexpensive. Making time for each other is the way some people feel most loved.

Others feel most loved by kind, practical actions. To find the bins taken out the ironing done for you or a cake made for you - especially without asking - is for some people they way they really feel loved.

Others are much more tactile. They need lots of physical affection; holding hands and kissing and stroking hair and gently brushing as you walk past each other and giving a back massage – those who feel most loved by touch can feel really rejected if their partner is more reserved.

Others feel most loved by spontaneous gifts. They feel special when they are given flowers or a set of spanners or whatever they particularly like to receive. Some prefer frivolous presents, others prefer practical presents – but if this is your love language a gift-wrapped surprise makes you feel special.

And the last of the five is loving words. The Bible says “Pleasant words are a honeycomb; sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Some people feel especially affirmed by loving words. “You look lovely this morning.” “Thank you for cleaning the bathroom.” “I’m so proud of you.” “You’re the best husband or wife I could ever have.”

I wonder if you’ve identified which is your love language as I’ve gone through the list. And I wonder if you’ve worked out which is your partner’s love language. I hope you’ll study the ways your new wife and your new husband most like to receive love.

Number two: develop the art of listening.

Many, if not most, problems in marriage start when the communication goes wrong.

Here’s what we’ve found, see if you can relate to this. If Kathie wants to say something to me while the TV is on or when I’m reading, she’ll get frustrated because I just naturally block everything else out so she has to stand two feet in front of me and wave a hand in front of my eyes to alert to the fact that she is actually trying to speak to me.

Sometimes Kathie might be talking about something that bothers her. When that happens, I always want to fix the problem. I say “Maybe you should do this” or “Have you thought about that?” But she doesn’t want a solution. Her real need is that she wants to be heard.

In marriage, listening carefully to one another, giving our full attention, without interrupting, is a powerful way of showing how much we value each other.

Number three: always put each other first.

God’s love is the kind of love that puts others first. The Bible says “Love isn’t always ‘me first’.” Let me tell you a true story.

Canoeing became an Olympic sport at the Games in Paris in 1924. The favourites for the four-man canoe race were the team from the USA. One member of that team was a man called Bill Havens.

As the Olympics approached, it became clear that Bill's wife would give birth to their first child near the time he would be competing. In 1924 there were no commercial airliners between Europe and the USA, only ships. And so Bill had a dilemma. Should he go to Paris and risk not being at his wife's side when their first child was born? Or should he withdraw from the team?

His wife said he should go. After all, he had been working towards this for all these years. It was his dream. But Bill decided to stay at home with his wife so he could be with her for the birth.

Well, the United States four-man canoe team did win the gold medal in Paris. And the birth was late. It was so late that Bill could have competed and returned home in time. People said, "What a shame." But Bill had no regrets. He said “My wife comes first.” The baby was a boy, and they called him Frank.

Twenty-eight years later, Bill received a telegram. It was sent from Helsinki, where the 1952 Olympics were being held. The telegram was from his son Frank and this is what it said. "Dad, I won. I'm bringing home the gold medal you lost while waiting for me to be born."

Frank Havens had just won gold for the USA in the canoe-racing event, a medal his father had dreamed of winning but never did – because he put his wife first.

Love each other so deeply that you put each other first.

Love each other so intently that you become great listeners and always feel understood.

Love each other so expertly that you become an authority on how your spouse most feels loved.

And may God, in his goodness, give you grace to do that.

Sermon preached at Lucy and Kevin's wedding, Saint Mary's Long Newton, 5th April 2014