In 2004 a survey was conducted on civility and manners. Over 2,000 people were interviewed and the study was called “Aggravating Circumstances: A Status Report on Rudeness.”
The survey found that 8 in 10 think a lack of respect and courtesy is a serious problem. 6 in 10 said that things have become worse in recent years. More than a third (35%) admitted to being aggressive drivers.
Three-quarters of those surveyed said they’ve often seen customers treat shop staff rudely and 46% also claimed they have walked out of a store because of the way staff treated them. Nearly everyone surveyed (94%) agreed that the biggest complaint is to “call a company and get a recording instead of a human being” and 77% hold the view that telemarketing is “rude and pushy.”
What do you do when you have a persistently noisy neighbour? What is the Christian response to a rude and unpleasant shop assistant? How do you move forward when you have been offended by a fellow church member? How do you speak to the inconsiderate person in front of you on the plane who reclines their seat over your lap? How should we interact with inconsiderate drivers? Or (this happened to me recently) how do you reply to a letter or e-mail that slags you off in no uncertain terms for something you know absolutely nothing about? I think this morning’s story from the Old Testament gives us some clues.
Abigail And Nabal
We’ve been following the life of David, a man who stood out from the rest in his generation because he had a heart for God and today we come to the episode with Nabal and Abigail.
Basically, the story is this: Abigail (a beautiful and intelligent woman) is married to Nabal (a rude and bad-tempered man). She’s the brains, he’s the brawn. She’s the beauty, he’s the beast. What was a sharp-witted and attractive woman like her doing with a dimwit loser like him? People look at Kathie Lambert and ask the same thing.
No doubt Abigail made his money grow and kept him from getting into the kind of trouble he would naturally attract. By the time we get to meet them in 1 Samuel 25, no doubt due to her good business sense, they own vast numbers of sheep and goats. They are therefore considerably wealthy.
Of course, in those days, livestock grazing on open land were easy pickings for poachers and bandits. But the fugitive outlaw David and his band of 600 merry men made sure that no harm came to them.
So when the holidays come round David sends a handful of guys to see Nabal. It might seem at first glance that this is a little protection racket but is David extorting money in return for a promise to not beat Nabal up? No. It’s a bit more like the dustmen at Christmas. He is respectfully asking for a tip in return for a valuable service rendered.
So David’s men cheerfully say “Hey Nabal, so glad to see your livestock business is thriving so well. You’ve had a really good year; not one lamb or goat has been poached, not one shepherd from your workforce has been attacked by bandits. And you know why? Thanks to us crime has been reduced to an all-time low round here. We’ve been keeping an eye on your men and your herds round the clock. So if you can spare a little of what you don’t need during this season of goodwill we would much appreciate it.”
The customs we have in the West are so different to those in David’s world. The code of hospitality demanded that travellers be received with honour and properly fed. In middle-eastern countries today it is still the same. People are honour bound to feed a travelling stranger even if it means their children missing out on their dinner. We find this strange in our culture but that’s the way it is in the Middle East. In any case Nabal was extremely wealthy and could easily have afforded to.
But he keeps them waiting and then basically says “David who? Who is this guy and who does he take me for? I didn’t get where I am today by throwing my hard-earned meat at every scrounging Tom, Dick and Harry. Now clear off.”
David wasn’t expecting something for nothing. This wasn’t handouts for idle dossers. Because David and his men had been protecting Nabal’s workforce they had directly contributed to his wealth and prosperity.
Word gets back to David and when he hears about it his indignation rises up. He has been offended, humiliated, shabbily treated. And David, this man who grew up as the runt of the family, who was always talked down to by his brothers, this wholehearted but insecure young man who defeats Goliath but still finds himself hunted down like a dog by his own king – he loses it. “Get your weapons, who’s coming with me?” 400 guys say, “I’ll go.”
Well, someone raises the alarm and word gets through to Abigail that David is seriously ticked off. She isn’t stupid and she immediately measures the seriousness of the situation. It’s bad. She is going to have to do something quickly.
Put yourself in Abigail’s shoes. How does she feel about this? Her idiot husband has just brought upon her household a major crisis through his rudeness and now she has 400 armed men heading her way.
Writing angry e-mails, shouting people down in an argument, calling people names never tidy up a mess. How do I know? How do you think I know? This is another painful lesson I have learned from the school of experience, whose colours are black and blue. Jesus said blessed are the peacemakers.
On 17th September 1985 an article appeared in a newspaper under the headline Wedded Blitz. “Two starry-eyed newlyweds walked hand in hand to their reception and stormed out of the party an hour later determined to divorce.” Daniel and Susan Stockwell had barely arrived at the reception before they had a furious argument that apparently started when the bride noticed the groom talking to an ex-girlfriend. ‘I must have been mad to go through with it!’ said the groom. ‘I'm better off without her.’”
I think that must set some kind of record. I don’t know if anyone helped them sort it out afterwards, I hope so. That’s an extreme example of relationships ending but it shows this: if a newlywed husband and wife can bust up hours after promising to be faithful until death – any human relationship can suffer strain and breakdown. How we need peacemakers.
How To Make Peace
Abigail was a peacemaker. She understood that rudeness and discourtesy always inflame a situation. However good it makes you feel to let off steam and have a right old go at someone it always makes things even worse. And she understood that you can’t let a toxic situation linger, it is urgent to change the atmosphere.
She acts decisively and in no time at all she rustles up the kind of generous gift her shiftless husband should have graciously offered. She sends the whole lot on ahead - presumably so she can change out of her kitchen clothes and put her makeup on - and because she is a brilliant organiser used to multitasking she has everything done and sorted in time to meet David and his delegation half way.
Interestingly the Bible doesn’t say that Abigail prayed – at all. It would be nice and easy for me if the Bible said “So Abigail cried out to the Lord and the Lord said ‘Don’t worry, I will be with you.’”
The American preacher Bill Johnson said this: “Anyone can pray in crisis. Show me someone who will earnestly pray without a crisis and I will show you someone who is ready when one comes.” This is Abigail’s secret. I think she was ready because she was a prayerful woman who walked with God and in fact it comes out in what she says later.
She was ready to deal with a great crisis in her life – because she had a heart for God when everything was fine. This was the foundation of her good sense; Proverbs 2.6-7 says “The Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds success in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless.”
While she’s been organising the roast lamb, granary loaves, wine and choice of fruitcake David has been having a right old rant. Woman working, man talking – sound familiar? David is just seething. He feels really hurt, really used, really upset. Out of the kindness of his heart he’s been breaking his back to help someone he hasn’t even met. Not only is he not thanked, he is totally insulted and he’s on his way to teach Nabal a lesson he’ll never forget.
Just look how things can so quickly get out of hand. Verse 6 – friendliness. Verse 10 – rudeness. Verse 13 – indignation. Verse 17 – alarm. Verse 21 – anger. Verse 22 – threats of violence.
So how does Abigail turn things round and avert this crisis? What does a peacemaker do? This is what you do with a bad neighbour. This is how you move forward with a church member who you have offended. This is how do you deal with the inconsiderate person on the plane who reclines their seat over your lap.
Firstly, respect. However hard it was for her, Abigail showed deep respect for a person who was just about to come and slaughter hundreds of livestock in a fit of rage. She could have said “Look, I know Nabal was bang out of order but come on, you are totally overreacting David!” She would have been right. But peacemakers know that it’s more important to build bridges than win arguments.
No, she fell on her face, bowed to the ground (v 23) and dropped at his feet (v 24). Like in our day bringing a bunch of flowers these were instantly recognisable signals of respect and goodwill. She called herself David’s servant seven times - a record use of the phrase by a biblical character. She reverses her husband’s insult of David as a runaway servant calling him “My lord” 14 times.
Secondly, concession. With one act, in v24 she took her husband’s, and David’s, foolishness, selfishness and pettiness upon herself. And notice she admits the mistake. It wasn’t even her fault, but she still accepted responsibility and said sorry.
Peacemakers know how to say, “Look I know there’s been a bit of an atmosphere between us, I can see you’re really upset by what has happened, I’m so sorry about that, let’s try and make things better.” That’s really hard when you know they have overreacted and inflamed a situation unnecessarily but the world is not going to be a better place just because you’re right all the time.
Thirdly, empathy. She found good in David and drew his attention to it. In v28-30 she talks about the bright future ahead of him, that he has a good heart and means well. She tells him how unfair it is that Saul has been hunting him down. She empathises with him.
And fourthly, persuasion. Only after showing respect, giving concession and showing empathy does she appeal to the goodness of his heart in v31 by saying “Look David, you’d never forgive yourself if you went ahead and took revenge. You know you’re a better man than that.” She’s very wise. She’s giving him an opportunity to climb down without losing face.
And that is how a great but unassuming woman called a great but flawed man back to the pathway God intended for him. David was in no mood to listen to anyone when he set out to confront Nabal. And what I love about David, this impulsive, charismatic but insecure guy is that he’s a man of principle. Because he has a heart for God anyone can come up to him and say the Old Testament equivalent of “Look David – what would Jesus do?” And whenever they do he melts, and says, “You’re right. I’ve been a fool. Thank you for speaking some sense to me.” That, more than always being right, is a sign of true greatness.
No matter how right we think you are in a situation of conflict if you have a heart for God you will have the humility to stop and graciously listen to another point of view.
Ending
Less than two weeks later Nabal went binge drinking and died of heart failure. And that’s how Abigail went from being the wife of a useless drunk to becoming Queen of all Israel. Because she was a peacemaker, obedient to God, willing to humble herself, able to let go of the things that didn’t matter, God prospered her.
God’s word teaches us today that you don’t need a prestigious title or recognised role to play a significant part in God’s story. Anyone with a heart for God will find that the Lord will use them; not just charismatic heroes like David, but powerless nobodies like Abigail. She was considered of little worth by her culture and was stuck in an unhappy marriage, taken for granted by her surly husband. But she offered her gifts to God and she took her opportunities with faith and courage and the Lord blessed her.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called children of God.
Let’s pray…
Sermon preached at All Saints' Preston on Tees, 29th August 2010
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