A little girl was invited to a wedding and she said to her mum, “Why is the bride wearing a white dress?” And her mum replied, “Oh, it’s because she’s happy.” Then the little girl said, “Well, why is the groom wearing black then?”
Tonight’s talk is entitled ‘Making Marriage Work’ and I’d like to start by giving two very good reasons why some people might say I am wasting my time.
Firstly, its content is irrelevant. These verses are addressed to married couples. Since most of us here this evening are single, it’s just not the right sort of passage for this kind of audience.
Secondly, its teaching is outdated. It says that wives must be submitted to their husbands and that husbands are heads over their wives. This is the 21st century where the vast majority of married couples consider themselves to be equal partners with virtually interchangeable roles.
And now, three reasons why I should - and must - preach on this passage. Firstly, because God wants us to know his thoughts about human relationships, even if they don’t apply to us at the present time. Since when does my marital status dictate which parts of the Bible I need to read? You might not know this but it just so happens that I have never robbed a bank. But that doesn’t mean the eighth commandment; ‘You shall not steal’ is not relevant to me.
Secondly, because whether we like it or not, Ephesians 5 is in the Bible - and is therefore part of God’s revelation, his word. We are not at liberty to ditch this part of Paul’s letter because it’s controversial, offensive, mystifying or politically incorrect; quite the reverse. Not liking what you read in the Bible is all the more reason to wrestle with it and engage with it.
Thirdly, because there is so much marital unhappiness in our society. Marriage has become the butt of jokes. “My wife and I were happy for 25 years – and then we met!” Listen to these definitions of marriage. “Marriage is like a violin; after the sweet music is over the strings are attached.” “Marriage is made in heaven – like thunder and lightning.” “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets.” By the way guys, the way round that one is to say, “Well, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?” That usually gets you off the hook – for a few minutes anyway!
Marital unhappiness is endemic. So it is urgent for us to commend God’s vision for stable and happy marriage that glorifies him by showing the world what the relationship looks like between Christ and his bride, the Church.
The Pattern for All Christian Relationships
Our reading begins with v21; “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord…” Before I mention the “submittedness” this scripture calls for from wives in respect of their husbands, I want to stress, strongly, that mutual deference, giving way to each other, is the pattern God lays down for all Christian relationships, no exceptions. Paul himself called himself a servant even though he was an apostle with great authority, and Jesus rolled washed feet before submitting himself to the death of the cross.
So this teaching here is not isolated, it is not focussed exclusively on how a married woman should relate to her husband; verse 21 will not allow that interpretation. No, God is saying here that the meek submitted heart is a pattern for holy living across the board. When people push and shove for their rights, and selfishly assert their beliefs, and control others, and are obsessed with pecking orders they fail to mirror Jesus’ life. Being pushy and domineering – in any relationship – does do not revere or honour Jesus. So “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ…
1) Wives: Submission as to Christ
…Wives to your husbands. I’m going to start by looking at how these scriptures portray the wife’s perspective vis-a-vis her husband – because that’s the way round it comes in the passage. I’ll come to husbands later.
Let’s get a bit of background first. It will help us to understand these words better. We owe it to Paul to read his words in the context of the culture of his day. The Greco-roman world of the first century into which he wrote was, in almost every aspect, different to the environment we live in today. Orthodox Jewish men regarded women with condescension and contempt. Always. Every day, a Pharisee would start his prayers thanking God that he had not been born a gentile, a slave or a woman. According to the law, women were not persons as much as property and they had no rights as such. In Greek life, (and Ephesus to which Paul addressed these thoughts was a Greek city), a loving and permanent friendship between a man and a woman was practically unheard of.
In that culture, men expected their wives to run the home and raise their legitimate children, but unfaithfulness was universal and most married men had mistresses. Marriage was in a shocking state across the Roman Empire. The debauchery of the great city of Rome was legendary. It is no exaggeration to say that the ancient world was institutionally adulterous. Men shamelessly cheated on their wives as a matter of routine. No one was shocked, least of all the wives at home. It came with the territory. That is the background into which Paul penned these words.
Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord (v22). As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything (v24)…
I’ve preached on this passage a few times before, even at weddings at the request of the bride and groom. I am going to say a few words later on about what I think God requires of husbands because, as a married man, I speak from experience. But I’ve never been, and never will be, a married woman, and even though I think I know what the passage is saying, and I will comment on it later, I thought it would be much better if I started by asking two married women what they really think.
So Kathryn and Jan, would you like to come to the front please… While they make their way forward, I would like to assure you that I have not pushed an editorial line on this. I haven’t told them what I think. I haven’t given them anything to read. Nor have I checked them out to see if they agree with me beforehand. I have no idea what they think of this passage or how they work it out in their own lives, (if indeed they even try) so I’m taking a bit of a risk, but hopefully that will make it more exciting.
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Look at what Paul says to children in 6v1. “Children obey your parents.” Then in 6v5 look at what he says to slaves. “Slaves obey your earthly masters.” But at no point is the word “obey” used as appropriate for a wife in respect of her husband. Paul could have used the same word. He could have said, “Wives obey your husbands.” But he doesn’t. I think that suggests that, whatever submission does mean, it is emphatically not the relationship between a subordinate and a superior.
Verse 33 suggests that the sense of the word ‘submit’ is closer to ‘esteem’ or ‘respect’ than ‘obey’ or ‘surrender.’ Why? Because whereas Paul repeats there what he has already said three times to husbands, that they should love their wives as their own bodies, instead of repeating the word ‘submit’, for the wives, he substitutes the word ‘respect’ instead.
In my ministry I submit myself to the Bishop. I do that gladly. My submission to Bishop Tom means I pray for him and incline myself to facilitate his ministry. I esteem his leadership and I give weight his guidance. It happens that I don’t agree with everything he says. But my submission means I try to yield graciously to his authority. I think that is the sense of submission in marriage; to esteem, to yield, to facilitate, to honour, to give respect and show loyalty.
I want to say too (and I insist on this strongly) that submission, in particular that of a wife to her husband, is not absolute, it is conditional and provisional. What I mean is this; any Christian’s first loyalty is to Christ. He alone deserves unqualified allegiance, whether we are male or female, single or married.
So a wife who is being led by her husband into sin and disobedience to Christ should draw a line in the sand there. A woman who is being subjected to physical violence or emotional cruelty by her partner is under no compulsion to stay with him – and I would usually counsel her to leave the relationship for her own safety. The Bible says a man reaps what he sows. A wife whose husband is unfaithful to her is not required to have him back, though she may choose to – and I would usually counsel her to do so if she felt she could.
Somebody once said that men are most fulfilled in marriage when their wives admire them and feel proud of them, while women are most fulfilled in their marriages when their husbands cherish them and are attentive to them. These verses, written 20 centuries before that observation was made, are basically saying the same thing.
2) Husbands: Love as Christ loves the Church
If wives have the difficult task of submitting to their husbands, for husbands it’s mission impossible - loving their wives as Christ loved the Church. I sometimes ask myself if the reason why so many women are dismayed at the suggestion that they should be subject to their husbands is because they have never seen a husband who loves his wife like Jesus loves us, or even a husband who loves his wife as much as he loves his own body?
And if they were married to such a man, would they find submission so hard? A guy who comes home from work, throws himself onto the sofa, without so much as an acknowledgement of anyone else at home, and switches on the TV to watch sport, calling for a cold beer deserves to have it poured on his head!
Here’s what male chauvinism can descend into: A bunch of men go fishing and one of the wives insists on coming too. They get into a boat and head out to the middle of the lake. When they get there the woman suddenly realises she has forgotten her rod and line. So she gets out of the boat, walks on water over to the shore, fetches her rod from the car, walks on water back to the boat. Then one of the guys says, “Typical woman, always forgetting things!”
On the other hand you may have heard the story about the group of men waiting to get admitted into heaven. There are two entrances. There are 99 pathetic looking guys outside the first door which says ‘Men who were hen pecked by their wives.’ And there is one solitary guy outside the second door which says ‘Men who stood up to their wives.’ And St. Peter comes along and says to the guy on his own, “What are you doing in this queue?” And the bloke replies, “Oh, my wife told me to stand here!”
We all know couples where the man is weak or easily led, where the woman wears the trousers and one fearsome look drains all her husband’s testosterone in an instant. That’s not how Christ loved the church; he manfully prayed all night for his church, he set his face to go to the cross for his church, he faced his enemies without flinching, he courageously poured out his life, he went all the way to death for his church. “No one takes my life from me,” he said, “I lay it down myself.” Husbands, that’s the standard; love your wives like that.
The novelist Marie Corelli said, “I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home that serve the same purpose as a husband. The dog growls every morning, the parrot swears all afternoon and the cat comes home late every night!
If men want to be good lovers, they should look at verses 25, 28 and 33. You probably know that the Greek language, which is what the New Testament was written in, has several different words, all of which are translated by the one English word ‘love’. Eros is sensual, romantic love and it’s where we get the words erotic and erogenous. Philia and philadelphia, brotherly love, is the love of companionship and includes loyalty to friends and communities. Storgé is natural affection or attachment, like the love parents have for their children. And agapé, which was hardly used at all in everyday talk, means a sacrificial, selfless love, a courageous love that commits.
Eros, philia and storgé describe a love that is mutual, that is returned. But the word agapé has no sense of needing to be requited. It can be one-way. Eros, philia and storgé express our affections and feelings. Agapé doesn’t really communicate what you feel. It is a conscious choice to esteem and hold in high regard another person, even if they don’t appreciate you, and even if it doesn’t make you feel ‘wow’. That’s the love God has for us. No matter what you do to him, he will never love you less. However cold your heart is towards him, he will always lay down his life for you. And that’s the love God calls husbands to show to their wives.
God says, “Even if your wife is objectionable, choose to love her. Even if she burns the dinner every night, love her. Even if she is much less beautiful than your new secretary, love her - and her alone. Even if your feelings about her change, as they will over time, love her. Even if she doesn’t submit to you, like the Bible says, or love you back, love her still.” Husbands and future husbands - that’s leadership, Jesus’ way. Loving a wife as Christ loves the Church means loving till the end and even being ready to suffer and die for her.
John Piper put it this way. “I have never met a woman who chafes under Christlike leadership. But I know of too many wives who are unhappy, because their husbands have abdicated their God-ordained leadership and have no moral vision, no spiritual conception of what a family is for and therefore no desire to lead anyone anywhere.” Well said!
Any fool can have a trophy wife. It takes a real man to have a trophy marriage. And in Christ sinful, self-absorbed men can become real men. And here’s the trick; in committing to love as Christ loves the Church you enter into his joy and instead of being a drudge your marriage reaches new heights of happiness.
3) Marriage: Leave, Be United, Become One Flesh
In v31 Paul refers to Genesis 2.24, a verse Jesus quoted when questioned about marriage. “A man will leave his father and mother, be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
Notice the two become one flesh after the man unites to his wife, not his girlfriend.
It’s the most fundamental statement on Christian marriage there is. Most problems in marriage, in my experience, come down to a failure to put into practice one of the three elements of this verse.
Some couples don’t cut the emotional umbilical cord with their mums and dads. Marriage can make the worst possible start because one or both partners don’t leave home properly. Sometimes it’s because well-meaning in-laws interfere too much and you’ve got to draw boundaries. Other times it’s because husband and wife still look to mum or dad for the affirmation and affection they need to be getting from their spouse alone. God says, “You’ve got to leave your father and mother.”
I’ve known couples in unhappy marriages because, while they’ve cut the umbilical cord, they just don’t connect at a soul level with one another. They fail to communicate deeply and resolve conflicts. Forgiveness gets withheld and tensions get buried. God says “Be united to one another” but many couples live in emotional and relational independence. They’re strangers under one roof and it’s only a matter of time before they drift apart irreconcilably.
Still others have problems in marriage because of unresolved sexual tension. Very often it’s because a spouse is putting his or her own enjoyment above pleasing their partner. Ask any 100 guys if they think they’re good lovers and you’ll get over 90% saying “Oh yes.” Ask their wives and you’ll discover the percentage drops alarmingly. The art of good lovemaking, according to God’s plan, revealed in Scripture, is to seek your pleasure in delighting your spouse. Couples who are both committed to pleasing their partners instead of gratifying themselves are the happiest lovers on earth. You read it here first.
Ending
Martin Luther once said, “Wives, conduct yourselves in such a way that your husbands hurry home every evening! And husbands, respond in kind, that your wives might regret your leaving the next morning!” The challenge is to help couples turn “I do” into “we can.”
Finally, an announcement. Starting June 8th we’re going to be running the Marriage Course on Monday evenings here at All Saints’. It’s a seven week course for married couples with presentations and little exercises you do together as a couple. There is no group work at all. So it’s private between you and your spouse. The themes are good foundations, real communication, resolving conflict, learning forgiveness, parents and in-laws, good sex and love languages. We’ll have more information next week. I’ve done the course myself with Kathie and it’s absolutely excellent. I fully recommend it.
Sermon preached at All Saints' Preston on Tees, 10th May 2009
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